What silence says…
Written by Joshua Steely on July 6th, 2026
I have been aggravated lately by the sound of my own voice. And before you say "who isn't?"--rude–let me explain. I'm particularly aggravated when I'm explaining (yet again) that I don't want to say anything. That I want silence. What was that quote parents loved? "If you don't have anything nice to say, then don't say anything at all"? Welp, that just simply does not work. It turns out, saying nothing can often have as much of an impact as saying something, after all!
After studying communications for a few years now, there's no longer any irony when talking about talking, so I've moved on to talking about not talking. You see, silence can come across as polite, as parents want it to be, sure, but also as rudeness, boredom, distractedness, and any number of other negative interpretations. Even when silence is your best answer, other people may not hear it that way. It's quite a bother, if you ask me (but then again, if you did ask me, I wouldn't say anything, and then I'd ask you why you're so annoyed–oh wait! you had an expectation that I failed to meet! on purpose!)
When someone sets an expectation, like that their friends will laugh at their jokes, then they are bound to be disappointed when that expectation goes unmet. Silence is the unmeeting of expectations. The sought after response was often exactly that: a response, and yet you have given a non-response, contradicting the very notion of their initial action or comment.
My Father, for example, is the classic example of a closeted standup comic (often simply called a Dad). When it comes to jokes, it's roughly 90% of his vocabulary. And no, quantity certainly does not equate to quality. But when he makes them, even my eyes rolling is a reaction, sometimes exactly the reaction he wanted!
That's right, nonverbals can qualify as "breaking the silence". Silence isn't only verbal (unless you're having a conversation over the phone). Silence is a lack of reaction. Gorick Ng, in his 2021 book "The Unspoken Rules" (Ch.11), uses the term "'bids'–requests from others for human connection" (p.167). Well, when you leave a bid unanswered, then that person feels unanswered. Feeling unanswered is not a good feeling.
Silence is worse than a no. If you're in sales, you know this already. With silence, you can continue to spend resources on someone, hoping to hear back. But with a no, you know to cut off resources and move on to a new lead. Silence sucks when you send a cold email, hoping to connect with your dream mentor or land a new deal, and you never get a response. Self-doubt creeps in faster than a shadow in a sunset and makes its home in the back of your mind, saying nasty things while the possibility of a spam folder fiasco scratches like nails on a chalkboard. Their silence makes your inner critique scream.
In reality, silence is open to as many misinterpretations as speech is–as many as nonverbals and metacommunication (tone, inflection) are. It is those misinterpretations that make speaking out only in your mind so dangerous. Let me give you an example. Say a girl asks me out. What do I say? Well, what if I have nothing nice to say? Should I say nothing at all? That's the catch. If I walk away without answering her, doesn't that make me the same douche as if I'd said something mean?
Bad example. Relationships (especially fletchling ones) are WAY too nuanced to address the innumerable ways silence can be misinterpreted. Talk about trouble–a husband not picking up his phone when his wife calls? Goner.
Okay, but what if you know a person so well that it's as if you can read their mind? What if you are that imaginary, idyllic couple? Like, silence has no place between you and this person, because you're just so in sync? Well guess what, there will still be plenty of opportunities for your overconfident "understanding" to mess things up. Think of a time you misinterpreted silence as wanting to be alone, when really all that person wanted was someone to be with them. Sure, it's not the same if you have to ask them, but what if you had? Communicating isn't always as sexy as correctly interpreting silence. But communication is almost always a better option than risking misinterpretation.
On another note, some people are afraid of silence! It seems like they can't stand hearing themselves think. If you get in a car with them and don't hear their voice, they're either asleep or dead. Perhaps it's a defense mechanism. Perhaps it's oversharing. And perhaps it's just a ramped-up version of normal. Plenty of people are uncomfortable in silence. The real trick is finding people that you are comfortable sitting with in silence. It's a sort of rawness, not having the music of conversation to mask emotions. A less muddled existence, existing side by side without words. No semantics clogging the drain of your experience. Peaceful input, alone, together.
Dallas Willard talks of the Discipline of Solitude in his book "Renovation of the Heart", but he shares that it could have just as aptly been named the Discipline of Silence. Silence in the spiritual sense can allow God to speak in a way that speaking cannot. Physiologically, silence gives the brain space to "catch up" and process. Silence can be good, even great. Silence can also be bad, even really bad. It can be the most poignant synonym, the most solid point. Or it can undermine your expertise, ruin your reputation.
What silence says is… not up to you. And that's what makes it so tricky.
One last point, that I shall credit to Albert Camus: "Silence is the last word in every argument".
So here is my final word:
