Buried Under the Weight of a Thousand Shoulds

A collection of essays lamenting an unknowable future.

It's no secret I was excited to take the course titled "Existentialist Philosophy" this spring. But now, after a class, I'm even more excited to continue.

Professor David Paul, Chair of Western Michigan University (WMU)'s Department of Philosophy, is a teacher who appears to truly love his job. He brings the room's energy up by at least ten octaves by just being himself–an unserious collaborator and lifelong learner. Prof Paul doesn't appear to have slowed in his engagement with life, and the way he ran the first week of a two-and-a-half-hour Tuesdays-only class showed it. 

The format was quite reminiscent of the John Wesley Honors College (JWHC) at Indiana Wesleyan University (IWU). It was a mix between a professor offering up ideas and students engaging with them. There were partner, group, and class discussions, as well as individual reflections. As he mentioned in the class, WMU does not place prerequisites on their Philosophy courses, so the diversity of academic focus in the room is impressive, and leads to truly intriguing conversation. The blend of personalities is also obvious. There are some talkers and some listeners, some set in their ways and some open to new ideas, some who want to be right and some who don't mind disagreement. The range of backgrounds is much broader than that of IWU's predominately young Christian bubble. I look forward to bringing my spiritual background to conversations with adamant atheists in this course that I wouldn't have found at IWU.

The very first week of the course, we discussed Plato's Apology and Crito. Two complex pieces debating the extent of political obedience regarding integrity is a bombshell of a first discussion. But Prof Paul said it was only an introduction. Next class is about the book of Job.

I suppose some of the slides about Philosophy as a whole looked familiar, but once we started talking about Plato's Republic and the Allegory of the Cave, I realized I may know more Philosophy than I thought I did. After all, the cave was mentioned in nearly every JWHC course I took… multiple times. I also know some history behind Socrates, Plato, and Aristotle. Also Cicero, Hildegard, Luther, Kant, Nietzsche. Apparently I've taken some philosophy courses that simply didn't have "Philosophy" on the nutrition facts, or I didn't read them close enough to see "Contains Gluten" if Gluten is ancient ideology. 

If anything can get me more fundamentally excited than discussing philosophical ideas and debating their validity, it is the music of words that write them. Every other paragraph there seems to be a sentence worth memorizing–a rhythm worth remembering.

One such rhythm, however, was shared by Prof Paul himself, not from the book but ad libbed. He was talking about the overwhelming expectations set on college students, saying we are

	"buried under the weight of a thousand shoulds"

and I wrote it down immediately. Whether it should be a collection of poetry, a novel, or even a collection of essays is my only question. But I know something needs to come of the lyrical language. My consideration of each medium is as follows:

Poetry

Poetry would be quite easy, I believe. But it may not be very unique. 

This title would lead to a collection of expectations–the struggle of students to live up to any number of burdens. Finances, self-worth, their parents, friends, romance, academics, health… the list goes on. It would be easy to complain in a thousand ways, scribbling verse in the margins of math problems. 

Maybe too easy.

Novel

Again, a novel seems a bit repetitive. (Not very novel, if I may)–like, we don't have enough complaints or coming-of-age stories already?? There are enough YA books out there begrudging expectations, and much better written than I think I could do at this time. Besides, I don't think a novel is what I need. I don't want to get wrapped into a story of a kid struggling to live up to their own expectations and realizing it's impossible. I'm living that right now. I don't need a novel to tell me that you have to accept you'll never be enough in order to be happy. I understand that now. I just…

I don't think a novel is the best choice or is nearly unique.

Essays

I think it should be essays. 

In a collection of essays, I could completely explore a variety of expectations, but not worry about their continuity with one another. I can go for 8 pages about the daunting shadow of marriage as a 19 year old, and then switch to the futility of academic successes as it translates to the real world. (In reality, the grade only suggests you can learn, because if you got it the wrong way, it doesn't prove anything). I can write two dozen essays on two dozen topics, 6-10 pages each, and have a 200 page book. Maybe longer if I'm feeling loquacious. 

Each essay could be a hub for research and thoughts, complaints and considerations, poetry and quotes. I can weave together a quilt of questions and answer them stitch by stitch. I can write the work this phrase deserves, all while myself being

buried under the weight of a thousand shoulds.